My father has had heart issues a major portion of his adult life. He had a pacemaker put in when he was about 50. I always knew that when dad died it probably would be because of his heart. Well he had congestive heart failure for years. I know when I saw my dad a couple of years ago he didn't look good. His heart was getting weaker and everytime he sat down he fell asleep. He had a hard time just going up and down the stairs. I knew it wouldn't be long before his heart completely gave out.
Around Christmas time my brother and sisters that live by my parents told me that dad wasn't doing good at all. January came and I wanted to go see my dad, but we were getting ready for a missionary to leave in February and I didn't know if we could do it. We had Sean's farewell in January and would have to plan around that. So I told Sean that if he wanted to go to California to see my dad that I would drop everything and go. I knew Sean probably wouldn't be able to see my dad again since he was soon leaving for two years to serve a mission. I knew that dad wouldn't last that long. So after a couple of days of thinking Sean came to me and asked me if we could go to California. So Sean, Adam and I left a couple of days later to drive to California. Gavin and Kary couldn't go so Sean helped me drive the whole way there. The day that we ended up driving we found out that dad was put into the hospital. He was having some reaction to medication and they wanted to keep an eye on him. So we got there late and decided to go to the hospital the next day to see dad. The few days that we were there we went to the hospital every day to visit him. My dad's lungs were beginning to fill with fluid and he had a hard time drinking water. If he drank water he ended up coughing and throwing up the liquid. The doctor thought that dad should go into a nursing home to recouperate from his medical problems. So reluctantly dad was moved into a nursing home. My dad always said he never wanted to go into a nursing home....that once you go in you never come out. He would say that he didn't want to die in a nursing home. So the doctors kept reassuring my dad that he would get better enough to go home, he just needed some interim care, care that my mom wouldn't be able to give him.
We went to see him while he was in the nursing home and he wasn't doing so good. They thickened his liquids so that he wouldn't have problems with fluids. But my dad would refuse to drink it. He kept asking for water and it was so sad not to be able to give it to him. One night while most of the family was there visiting, we asked the nurse if he could have ice chips. She brought some and dad loved it......but it wasn't a good thing for him. He would cough and cough after having the ice chips. At one point I was sitting by the head of his bed and he coughed so hard I could tell that he was going to throw up. I quickly grabbed a towel and let dad throw up into that. I could tell he wasn't liking feeling so helpless. I look back at that moment and feel so glad that I could be there to help my dad in that time when he couldn't help himself. After all the giving he had given to me over the years, that small act of helping him was satisfying for me.
The next day we came to visit dad again and I knew it would be the last time I would probably see him. The boys and I were leaving to go back to Utah the next morning. Again most of the family was there and alot of the time dad was not making sense when he spoke. He would say things like how mean they were at the nursing home and that he didn't get breakfast until noon....stuff like that. Then he would be confused and ask my mom if we were at my Aunt Pat's house. Pat is his sister. At one point before we were going to leave my brother Jim asked dad if he would like a Priesthood blessing. He said yes and asked Sean if he had ever been the "voice" of the blessing. Sean said he hadn't, and my dad then asked Sean if he would give him the blessing. You see Sean had only been an Elder for about a month at that point and had helped assist in a blessing, but had never given one. I could tell Sean was nervous but that he would do as Grandpa desired. As he was getting ready to do the blessing, my dad seemed to come out of his fog and talked to all of us about things. His last farewell to the family. He talked about how important it is to treat your comapanion (spouse) well and let them be first in your life. He spoke about how hard it has been for him to be "old" and somewhat "forgotten". He said that it is important to send a physical letter to those you love to thank them for things and to tell them you love them. Letters mean so much, he said. He told us how it didn't matter who gave him a blessing...someone with lots of experience or someone who has no experience (Sean). That the blessing is given through the power of God and that what is said can be worded many different ways...but it means the same. So finally Sean gave dad a blessing. Comfort was mostly the message he gave to my dad, and that the family can remember all the good times. He closed the blessing and then my dad told him thank you and wished him well on his mission. I gave him a hug and told him I'd be back to visit in the summer. But in my heart I knew that this would be the last time. Then all of a sudden dad was back in his fog and couldn't remember where he was or who had come to visit. I knew that my dad was given the gift of clarity right before, during and right after the blessing so that he could communicate the things to his family that he thought needed to be shared.
So we left the next morning to come back to Utah. We got home that night and got to bed late. I woke up the next morning and got the boys off to school and me off to work. I had received a message at about 11:00 am from my sister. I was at work so when I got a chance to check my messages I listened to hers. She told me that my dad had "coded" and they were taking him back to the hospital. I went home and called her and found more messages on my home phone. By the time I called back, dad had passed away.
The funeral was planned for that Friday. Back in the car, going to California......this time the whole family was coming. Even Trent and Brandee rode with us.
The whole funeral was so surreal. I knew this moment would eventually come, but I didn't want to say goodbye to my dad. I was also really sick during the funeral. The day I came home from California the first time I was getting a cold and cough. By the time we left to go back to California I had a bad cough and went to go get some codeine cough syrup before we left. That cold ended up lasting me a couple of months. I could not shake it.
February is a defining moment in my life. I think of my dad all the time and do feel his love. I just wish I could talk to him. I miss that.
